As I write this, it is early on a Tuesday evening. I write this because I want you, dear reader, to know that I am feeling very conflicted. You see, the truth of the matter is that I am struggling right now. I am in what one might call a bit of a funk. The last five or so days have not been good to me although to be fair, nothing earth shattering has happened to me. They have just been rough.
I feel worn out. My anxiety is high, though not off the charts. My self-confidence has taken a hit. My motivation is pretty much gone, I can barely muster enough enthusiasm to get up, walk to the kitchen and fix myself something to eat, though I am quite confident that I eventually will do so. There is one situation more than anything else that has contributed to my state of mind but unfortunately at this point, I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to discuss it in such a public way. Though bad weather has certainly contributed as well and there are just some combination of other things that are playing a part.
I have not felt like this since the 28th and 29th of August. Two days I will remember vividly in part because I was so depressed that I could not bring myself to attend my friend’s 40th birthday party. This situation feels like that one in a lot of ways only that one was still so much worse. But the fact I haven’t felt anything remotely like this since August is why I am actually conflicted.
You see, it was not too long after I came out of that August funk that I started to do things that have made such a huge impact on my life. I intend to write all about that in good time but a lot of things happened after that which I am so thankful for even now. So this has gotten me wondering if I am feeling like I’ve taken a step back so that I can take two more steps forward? Am I going to respond to this situation the same way I did in August when I said that enough was enough and it was time to not let things like seasonal depression (the main source of my August problems) have control over me? When I said it was time to stop wishing that certain things would happen and instead work to make them happen. Because if this one goes the same way that one did then I look forward to seeing what happens next.
I guess this means that right now I am feeling depressed but hopeful. That is a contradiction in and of itself but if you know me well then you know that sometimes I can be a person of contradictions. For example, I can be a very extroverted introvert. Those contradictions in myself are why I can not feel like going through the effort to make dinner and yet do feel like going through the effort to write. I don’t know what will happen next but when something does I will be sure to share.
Hang in there, Casey. You’re one hell of a person, and, if you have nothing else, you have me … Wait, that’s not very encouraging, is it?
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Ric, you’ll always be my favorite lesbian.
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Greatest compliment I’ve ever received, all my life.
Oh Casey! Sending you a virtual hug! You’ve got this! Just keep trying, and being you!
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