I realize that my most recent post was a bit of a downer. Mind you, I didn’t think of it in those terms but I can certainly understand why a reader might have felt that way. The reason I don’t consider it to be a downer is that I was merely expressing the reality or the facts of my situation. It is one of those ‘it is what it is’ type of things.
September has arrived. If you read my previous entry, you might recall that I mentioned this month as being the least favorite month of the year for me.
This came up in a recent conversation I had with a friend who has his own struggles with anxiety and depression. I pointed out that it would probably surprise a great many of my closest friends to know that September is my least favorite month because there are things that on paper should make September a month I look forward to each year. But despite those reasons I am about to list, it has never been true.
Hi all. I would point out that it has been awhile since I have written but you know that already. I hope you have had a nice week celebrating the 4th of July, Canada Day or just the fact that you survived another week.
I know it has been awhile since I have written. I’m not even going to apologize for it because this is my blog and I can write or not write as it suits my desires. I wish that I desired to write more but the fact is that I haven’t really desired to write at all and thus the blog has gone quiet.
As I write this, I am honestly not in the best spirits. As loyal readers of my blog know, April 13 marked the one year anniversary of the passing of my father. The anniversary and time surrounding it has hit me pretty hard and started to hit me in the middle of March. Looking back, I am so thankful that I was able to travel with dad to the last of his chemo therapy appointments in late February/March of 2016. I wouldn’t trade those car rides for anything.
Sometimes, I get tired of fighting. I wonder why it is that I always have to tell people the truth. Why can’t I just shut up and say nothing, isn’t that different from lying? If I kept my mouth shut I might feel the stress of guilt but is that really worse than making issues out of things that don’t need to be issues in the first place?
Yesterday, for reasons which I will not disclose, I had a chance to consider this question. If I had to go through the grieving process over Ginny again, is there anything that I would do differently? The mere fact that I asked myself this question is unusual. I tend not to look back on things and consider how I might do them differently. The reason is obvious, I can’t go back even if I would like to, so the best I could do is admit to making a mistake and take note of it for the future.
I did a lot of socializing on Friday. Aside from my usual great conversation with No Passing Fancy, I also traded some messages with this other guy.
But I also went out twice. I went out for Donuts in the morning with my friend John and then went to the movies Friday night with my friend Scott. It feels like this has been the most social I’ve been as of late. And the key thing is that in the case of the movie, I’m the one that made the decision that I wanted to go out.
I could have found something else to do with my evening. In fact, I had a few things I was considering doing instead. But I decided that I wanted to be out. That hasn’t happened a lot as of late and is more significant because it meant I wanted to go out twice in one day.
I have been a Christian since accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and savior in my youth at roughly the age of 5. I haven’t regularly attended church in years and the last church service I attended was in November of 2011.
The reason I don’t attend church at the present is quite simple. I am actually holding on to one of my core beliefs by not attending church. I believe that for a Christian there is no place you should want to be or enjoy being at more than church. If you don’t want to be there, don’t enjoy yourself or view it as a chore then you’re better off not going. You’re not going to earn extra heaven points by going to church and having a miserable time.
Obviously, not everyone feels the same way I do on this particular issue. I have a friend who goes to church regularly. He never has fun, doesn’t really get anything out of being there, sometimes engages in other activities during the sermons to keep from falling asleep and has been very critical of a lot that goes on in his church. Yet unlike me, he still goes and I respect the fact that he does even if it sounds to me like he’d be a lot happier if he took himself out of it.
When I reviewed the year 2014 I said it was a bad year and I was happy to see it go. Little did I know that it would not be long into 2015 before I was longing for the days of 2014.
A couple of bad things happened to me in 2014. I had a falling out with a couple of friends which was terrible. I broke up with my girlfriend, whom I was quite fond of and the reasons for that breakup are still not entirely clear to me almost 2 years later. Those two things by themselves were enough to make for a bad year but they were nothing compared to 2015.
Happy 2016 to all of you out there. For many reasons that I will cover in a future post, I am happy to see 2015 fade away. The last week of the year was not good and that was kind of a theme for the whole year. On Monday, I put my dog to sleep. Wednesday there was a death in the family. Yesterday, I found out that another beloved family member suffered a stroke and heart attack. I also seem to be coming down with a cold, so things are not going so great right now.
I want to write about something else today. I want to list some of my goals for 2016. These are things I’d like to accomplish in the new year. This list doesn’t include every goal I’ve got in mind for myself this year but it does feature those that are the most in my control. For example, I could say that in 2016 I would like to get a new job. But that depends in part on someone being willing to hire me.
Today, I am sad. I have no particular reason to be sad today but that doesn’t really matter very much.
I don’t know if I’ve written this out on this particular website but there is one thing that I have come to believe about depression.