It has been awhile

It has been far too long since I have written anything. I know this because Facebook helpfully pointed it out. In truth, I actually didn’t need any help from any website because I was already well aware of the fact.
I used to write posts after each new episode of Talking Audiobooks was released but I stopped doing even that much. There are two reasons for this, I will let you decide which is the largest factor. The first is that I didn’t write one for one of the episodes and then that trend continued and before long I was out of the habit and way behind. The second reason is that I felt like they were becoming a bit repetitive and I didn’t have much to say. They were all fun, they all went smoothly (for the most part) and I was happy with each interview. You only need to read that a couple of times before it becomes old news.

I would like to highlight this week’s episode featuring my conversation with Johnny Heller. I can honestly say that when I first was asked, just over a year ago, to assume hosting duties for Talking Audiobooks, I made a list of people I wanted to interview and Johnny was way up on that list.
Why it didn’t happen until this episode is a bit complicated but one of the largest factors is that I still feel uncomfortable asking people for things. Whether it was asking my parents for money growing up, asking a woman out on a date, asking someone for help moving something or sorting something, I have always felt a little guilty about asking anyone for anything. Nobody has done anything to tell me that I should feel this way but it is just something that seems to be imbeded in me, instinctual if you will.
But the timing was good in that this happened when I needed it most. Johnny is really funny and while I was incredibly nervous talking to him, more than any interview I have done in quite some time, I can honestly say it was everything I imagined it would be and more.

Aside from that my life is pretty stable. It doesn’t change much from day to day, week to week or month to month. On one hand that is a good thing because sometimes I have difficult coping with change and I definitely do not do well when dealing with uncertainty. So stability is good for me in that regard and is something I strive to achieve.
On the other hand, it is bothersome because there are things in my life that I wish weren’t the same all the time. I wish I had more friends. I wish I had a significant other. I want to go out more but am still not a big fan of going out by myself. None of these things have changed either and it is this part of stability that I don’t like. My life could be a little more interesting in some areas, even uncertain and I would welcome it as a change of pace.
I’m okay not having to face a certain kind of uncertainty. The one that comes with people dying, getting sick or serious things like wondering where a next meal is coming from or where I might sleep tonight. But in other ways I would welcome a bit of uncertainty.

But to the extend that none of the things in my life that I want to change have, I really only have myself to blame. My motivation to try and change them is not consistent perhaps because I’ve had so many false starts and attempts that ultimately failed. A case in point at least regarding motivation can be found in a summer trip I am supposed to take.
At the end of June, my cousin is getting married. The wedding is in Texas and my mom and I are planning to drive down with my aunt and uncle. That all seems easy enough, especially since I don’t really have to do anything in the way of planning and I certainly don’t get to drive.
The upside is that it has been a long time since I have done any kind of traveling. I have never been to Texas and haven’t ventured outside of South Dakota’s borders in way, way too long. So I am beyond over due to make a trip like this.
The drawback is that I hate long car rides. I can handle the drive to and back from Sioux Falls with no problem and that’s 2 hours each way. If you push beyond that I am miserable. The prospect of a long trip to Texas terrifies me. The truth is that I am fighting against myself in regard to going. I’m still telling myself to go but I am less enthusiastic about the idea with each passing day.
I guess you all will know whether or not I went if I write about it. But that’s what I mean about my motivation being irregular. It is tied to my depression which is still under control but which rears its ugly ead at the worst possible time.

I have pretty much exhausted the topics I feel like writing about today. I have no idea if anyone is going to read this. What little I had in the way of regular readership has no doubt been marginalized by the fact I haven’t written anything in months. But while I appreciate the people who do read this including some who will read my writings for the first time, I also write for myself. It does help to put my thoughts down on digital paper. Why I insist on putting them online instead of in a private journal is a question best tackled another day. Until next time, be well.

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