I know it has been awhile since I have written. I’m not even going to apologize for it because this is my blog and I can write or not write as it suits my desires. I wish that I desired to write more but the fact is that I haven’t really desired to write at all and thus the blog has gone quiet.
As I write this, I am honestly not in the best spirits. As loyal readers of my blog know, April 13 marked the one year anniversary of the passing of my father. The anniversary and time surrounding it has hit me pretty hard and started to hit me in the middle of March. Looking back, I am so thankful that I was able to travel with dad to the last of his chemo therapy appointments in late February/March of 2016. I wouldn’t trade those car rides for anything.
As if dealing with that wasn’t enough and trust me, it was, I received a punch to the gut on April 6. I got a text from my cousin letting me know that my Great Aunt Dorothy passed away the night before. This was the least surprising surprise I have ever gotten. Her health hadn’t been great as of late, I even went to visit her in the hospital the previous month but it was still rather sudden. As the text message said, she was eating ice cream at 7 and in heaven at 8:30. April is quickly becoming my least favorite month of the entire year.
I can’t even really say how I feel about Dorothy right now because their is just so much. I was closer to her sister, my great aunt Sr. Kathleen Johnson but I always had a hefty amount of respect for Dorothy and saw her as a very strong and very honest woman.
Last night, as I spent Easter Sunday alone, I wasn’t happy. I confronted a reality that I have known existed for quite some time. I knew that there are certain people that I only talk to anymore because I make the effort to keep in contact with them. And to be honest, right now I am a little tired of making that effort.
So this morning, I deleted every text message conversation off of my phone. I’m not going to text anyone for any reason for the time being. I want to see how long it takes certain people to make their way back on to my phone because they texted me first. I will break this rule for emergencies and to wish happy birthdays and things like that but for the time being I am not going to initiate any conversations with people who never seem to initiate them with me.
I will still talk to the people who initiate conversations with me as often as I initiate them back, I am not going radio silent. And I realize that some people aren’t the conversation initiation type and that I will eventually have to reach out to them again and make the next move but if they are able to be true to themselves and introverted then I should be able to be true to myself and be tired of it. Honestly, I want to know who is invested in me and who is only responding because they feel obligated to answer me. I don’t have a lot of friends but I’d rather have 1 or 2 quality friendships than a dozen that I invest in more than the other person.
I know other people have lives to live and things to attend to which is why this isn’t perminent. I’m just trying to find a better balance, I don’t think that’s so unreasonable. If I can’t find one then I can’t find one but I feel like at this point I need to try something.
I have another situation weighing on my mind. I was asked not too long ago to consider a job that I had held previously. It was a job here in town that I held and that I ultimately didn’t care for, wasn’t good at and my resignation was not under the best of terms. Because of all of those factors I thought that chapter of my life had concluded. But then, I was asked if I would be willing to consider this same job in either Pierre or Sioux Falls. This caught me completely off guard because like I said, I thought that was in my past for good. I figured that even if I was interested in that kind of work again that there is no way that they would be interested in me.
Granted, the experience I had there was over a dozen years ago and I would like to think I learned from the mistakes I made. It also was a case where things started to collapse at the same time I was confronting a lot of personal issues. While those issues have been dealt with, I am dealing with similar ones right now that give me pause. Also, while I think I would be better at the job the second time around, this doesn’t mean I would enjoy it any more than I did the first time. I’m not even considering the possibilities or problems with relocating myself since that doesn’t matter as much as the question of whether or not I have any interest in the job itself. I mean there’s no sense in moving if I know I’m going to hate the job, right?
I think that’s about all I have to say for now. This entry has been a downer to write and won’t be much of a joy to read. I’m frankly not in a super happy place right now and that’s probably not going to change in the immediate future. I can’t say I’m surprised that this has happened, I expected a rough patch this time of year but it has been rougher than anticipated. Honestly, until recently I was feeling really positive and excited about what 2017 had to offer. That seems like a decade ago now, however. Anyway, I hope this finds you in a better place than I am presently located. I will try and end on a positive note and say that the weather has been pretty nice.