My friend Art Shimko and I have this obsession with WWE Wrestling Figures. Art started collecting them a couple of months ago and I started back in September of last year. If you don’t follow both of us on Twitter, then trust me when I say we speak about this subject quite often.
One of the things that we like to do because we’re cool this way is fantasy book our figures. When we do this, it is apparent that we’d both be better bookers than anyone in WWE right now and most on the Indie scene as well. If Art and I both died tomorrow we’d still be better than Dixie Carter and Vince Russo.
With WrestleMania later today both Art and I came up with our own version called FigureMania, I almost called mine SportsEntertainmentMania but figured that was probably a WWE trademark already. All of the matches are booked in my own head and I cannot stress enough that no figures were hurt in the making of this event. I don’t have a ring so the best I can do is keep it in my head. So below you’ll find the FigureMania card and match results. All figures are in my collection.
Rob Van Dam picked up the quick win. Crush hit R Truth with his helmet but RVD knocked him out of the ring, hit a 5 star frog splash and got the pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
The match started out with the debuting A.P.A. getting a quick win after hitting the clothesline from hell on Brodus Clay. The strong push continued as they dispatched Los Matadores after a Dominator from Farooq. Harper and Rowan from the Wyatt Family also fell in short order after Bradshaw hit Rowan with a Clothesline from Hell.
The New Age Outlaws were next out and after clobbering Farooq with their microphones, Billy Gun hit the Fame-asser for the win. The Outlaws celebration was short-lived as Lex Luger and The British Bulldog made their way to the ring. The Allied Powers were victorious as Luger racked Gunn and Bulldog pinned Dogg after a powerslam.
The win by the Powers denied us our dream match between the New Age Outlaws and The Outsiders. Hall and Nash came out and after a few minutes Hall sprayed paint in the eyes of Luger who was then on the receiving end of a Nash Powerbomb for the win.
The Road Warriors were the final team out. They dominated the action early but Hall again used spray paint to the eyes of Hawk who was then powerbombed by Nash and The Outsiders were the last team standing.
Winners: Scott Hall and Kevin Nash – The Outsiders
This was the show’s comedy match. It was kept short and Piper won the match after putting the bucket Doink brought with him to the ring on Doink’s head and then kicking him in the balls.
Winner: ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper
A quick tag match that saw Show and Miz win after Miz nailed Santana with JYD’s chain. Show hit a chokeslam and that was all she wrote.
Winners: The Miz and The Big Show
The interference from Harper and Rowan was not enough to stop Warrior from doing Warrior things. He hit 3 clotheslines, a press slam and a big splash to send Wyatt home a loser.
Winner: The Ultimate Warrior
This was the second longest match of the evening in terms of time it was given. Lots of big moves and guys kicking out of finishers. Triple H pinned Daniel Bryan after an RKO and a Pedagree.
After the match, HHH forced CM Punk to shine his shoes, bring him a fresh bottle of water, compliment his hair, wash his car and clean his house before walking the dog.
Can Undertaker have a longer winning streak at FigureMania than he had at WrestleMania? Well, he’s off to a good start. Taker survived 3 Earthquake splashes before sitting up and ending Quake’s night with a tombstone. Maybe Earthquake would have faired better if he was a fish?
Winner: The Undertaker
This was the longest match of the night and also the best from a workrate standpoint. Tully Blanchard was the first man eliminated from the match after taking a flying elbow from Randy Savage.
Then there was trouble for team WCW. A miscommunication spot saw DDP accidentally hit Macho Man who was then pinned by Ric Flair who naturally had his feet on the ropes. After that, Savage snapped and beat the piss out of DDP. Page was then pinned by Flair who again, had his feet on the ropes. So Team WCW was down 3 men to 2.
Sting used the Scorpion Death Drop to send Arn Anderson to the locker room and even things up to two on two. Then Sting and Barry Windham were both counted out of the ring as they brawled their way to the back. This left Flair Vs. Steamboat as being the only two competitors left.
Flair and Steamboat did what nobody expected from them and had an awesome match. Oh wait, everyone expected that because they’re Flair and Steamboat! Arn and Tully attempted to interfere but were stopped by The Road Warriors. Steamboat came off the top with a crossbody and got the pin on Flair. Steamboat’s feet were not on the ropes.
Winner: Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat
In a shocking turn of events, Del Rio defeated Mysterio after interference from Los Matadores. Del Rio and Los Matadores triple teamed Rey until Tito Santana tried to make the save. He was also beaten down. Del Rio announced the creation of their new faction Team Mexican Stereotype. It was later changed to Team Latin Stereotype when it was remembered that Los Matadores aren’t actually Mexican.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
This was a short but infamous match. It started off by Hulk complaining to Andre that Brooke was going out on a date with Brodus Clay. When Andre said that he didn’t see what the big deal was, Hogan slammed him and dropped the big leg for the 1…2…3. Hulk then posed to send the fans home happy. He later sued on the grounds that his privacy had been invaded because he claimed he didn’t know all of those cameras at ringside were being used to film him.
Winner: Hulk Hogan
After the show on the Figures That Wrestle (FTW) Network, Triple H challenged Daniel Bryan and CM Punk to a handicap match at the next show. He then winked at the camera before completely losing it and laughing for five minutes straight.
What happened at Art Shimko‘s version of FigureMania? You’ll have to call the hotline to find out. That’s $3.50 for the first minute, $35 for ech additional minute. Kids, please get your parents permission before calling or steal their credit card which ever is easiest. Or, I guess you could ask Art about it on twitter for free.
*Full Credit goes to Art for coming up with ‘Figures That Wrestle’ as the name of our joint promotion. He didn’t realize it was a joint promotion but just like Ric Gillespie, I know a great idea when I steal it.