Sometimes, I get tired of fighting. I wonder why it is that I always have to tell people the truth. Why can’t I just shut up and say nothing, isn’t that different from lying? If I kept my mouth shut I might feel the stress of guilt but is that really worse than making issues out of things that don’t need to be issues in the first place?
Sometimes, I get tired of fighting the paranoya. Did I do the right thing? What does this person really think about me? What do people say when I’m not around? Why do people even want to be around me at all? I wish I could get my brain to stop asking those questions and others like them.
Sometimes I get tired of fighting my own complication. So I had a difficult time relating to people my own age as a child. I was bullied by guys and girls when I was younger and while the guys were assholes the girls were worse. Why can’t I just let it go? Why do I carry those insecurities with me now and why do they always manifest themselves at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way?
Sometimes I get tired of fighting indecision. Why can’t I make up my mind? Why can’t I pick a direction for myself and be done with it? Why do I keep having to try to find the things I love when I could settle for good enough like so many other people do?
Sometimes I’m tired of fighting loneliness. Why do I feel by myself when I’m in a crowd? Why can’t I have fun the way normal people have fun? Why must I keep my guard up? Why must I keep people at a distance so I won’t get hurt again? Why can’t I just accept that people are going to disappoint me and be okay with it?
Sometimes I’m tired of my failure. I’m not working, I’m not married, I’m not dating, I have no kids, I have only a couple of close friends that I can see on a regular basis. I have no money and I have no plan. I have my honesty and integrity, why isn’t that enough?
Sometimes I get tired of fighting the feeling. People have it worse off than I do and complain about it less than me. Why do I need more than that?
Sometimes I get tired of the standards. Why do I have to be the best me I can be? Why can’t I settle for “good enough”? Why do I try and fix my flaws instead of try and live with them and recognize myself as flawed? Why must I try and treat people better than they are treated by anyone else? Am I doing it for their good or for my own ego?
Why can’t I settle? Why can’t I be the guy who goes out and looks for a new girl to hook up with and doesn’t care about relationships? Why can’t I be selfish? Why can’t I be honest and say I would like to get laid again before I die? Does saying I’m in it for love allow me to feel like I’m better than those who are only in it for pleasure? And if it does, doesn’t that mean I’m no different than them since feeling superior could be considered pleasurable?
I know why I fight, even when I’m tired. I want to think that honesty and loyalty are still valued above money and possessions. I want to believe love is real even if it has caused me nothing but pain. I want to believe that while I cannot obtain perfection, striving to come close by being the best I can be is still noble. I want to believe that what I put out into the world will come back to me eventually.
I fight because to stop fighting is to admit defeat and I am no quitter. I fight because fighting is hard and it is more rewarding to achieve something you worked hard at than it is something that came easily. I know why I fight, I just don’t know how long I can because it is so tiring.