I am now 1/12 of my way to completing One of my bigger goals for this year. I wrote every day in the month of January. When I think of my condition early in the month, I have no clue how I managed to remain motivated to write.
There were many days I wasn’t motivated to do anything. I spent a fair amount of time in my Pajamas. However, even on those days I decided that I still felt like writing something. I felt like writing when I didn’t feel like going out and so I wrote about why I didn’t feel like going out.
The truth is that writing helped. Writing about how I was feeling and what I was struggling with forced me to think about it and to organize my thoughts. Once I had them organized I feel like I had a better handle on my own issues and feelings and how to address them.
I am doing much better now than a few weeks ago. In fact, if you want to know, my January felt like the tale of two months. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
Doing better does not mean that I am entirely out of the woods. I still have issues. I still don’t handle stress well. I still have pretty low self-confidence and I still feel worn out sometimes. While I needed to grieve in a way that was best suited for me, dealing with that grief put a lot of stress on my body. I essentially allowed myself to be miserable for a couple of weeks straight and it took its toll. I’m on the road back to normal but I’m going to stay on the cautious side and say that I still have a long way to go.
I don’t think I would have changed anything about how I handled the last month. I don’t regret turning down company on my birthday. I don’t regret not making my usual January trip to Sioux Falls. Yes, I missed not doing it but I am confident that my reasons were the right ones and that makes me feel better about it. Who knows, maybe in a couple of months my financial situation will be a bit different and I can go then. I’ll have missed out on my birthday month at the casinos but that’s just a small part of why I carve that time out each year. It is more to spend time with people I care about and who care about me as well as a chance to catch up with friends I maybe only see when I make that trip.
I would say about myself that I am doing okay. I don’t know that I would say that I am happy. I’m not prepared to go that far just yet but I am better than I was and I’m okay with being better than I was. One reason I won’t call myself happy is because I still have a tough time with being happy during winter months. I don’t like the gloom and gray, I want sunshine and singing birds. Being happier may or may not increase my self-confidence which is probably the biggest thing holding me back but it would be a start.
If you’ve followed along this last month, I want to thank you. I’m almost afraid to go through all of my entries and assess my emotional state or the quality of my writing. I do know people have been reading and not just No Passing Fancy. It means a lot to me that anyone would take time out of their day to read this or any other of my posts.