I did a lot of socializing on Friday. Aside from my usual great conversation with No Passing Fancy, I also traded some messages with this other guy.
But I also went out twice. I went out for Donuts in the morning with my friend John and then went to the movies Friday night with my friend Scott. It feels like this has been the most social I’ve been as of late. And the key thing is that in the case of the movie, I’m the one that made the decision that I wanted to go out.
I could have found something else to do with my evening. In fact, I had a few things I was considering doing instead. But I decided that I wanted to be out. That hasn’t happened a lot as of late and is more significant because it meant I wanted to go out twice in one day.
It was a message from NPF a few minutes ago that inspired today’s post. She was talking to me about how she came to value alone time after years of not wanting to be alone at all. I am the exact opposite, I was always quite comfortable being alone and had to sort of embrace a more social lifestyle.
As a child I had a few close friends and we would hang out but I also spent quite a bit of my time by myself. I didn’t need other people to create fun for me, I could do it myself. All I needed at times were some WWF Hasbro Action Figures and I was good to go. I really need to write more about those figures on of these days.
My parents trusted me enough to leave me at home without a babysitter when I was 8. My dad in particular knew that I was not likely to cause mayhem. Now, this did not mean that I was always left without a sitter at that age. If meals were involved I still had one and if it was me and my younger sister there was still going to be one. But a lot of times if they just left quick to run and errand, I’d be home watching TV and when they got back I’d still be in the spot they left me watching TV.
Now, if you’ve read anything I’ve written on my romantic life you will know that I do not feel as though I am wired to be alone. I definitely, even to this day with all the relationship difficulties I’ve had in my life, feel that I am destined to share my life with someone. I say that in part because of how easy I can open up and let other people take a look into my life. I’ve shared a lot of myself with NPF and she has done likewise in return. The fact it comes so easy and is really the only way I know to be is why I think I’m meant to be paired off with someone for the rest of my life. It is why even though I don’t feel particularly relationship ready right now, I can say with certainty that the feeling isn’t lkely to last. What I’ll do when it passes, I have no idea and I’ve discussed issues I have trying to meet women in previous posts.
But I’m not talking about alone in the romantic sense. In that sense I really hate being alone. But alone in the sense of having time to myself, that I have always embraced and for so much of my life it was the status quo.
When I had Ginny, I never felt alone because I wasn’t alone. No, I couldn’t carry on a conversation with her, although I did talk outloud to her but she was here. As I’ve said before, no matter how depressed I have been at times while I had Ginny, she was the best motivation. I couldn’t sleep all day because Ginny needed me to feed her, take her outside and be affectionate with her. If I couldn’t sleep all day, I couldn’t spend all day in Pajamas. If she ran out of food, it didn’t really matter if I felt like going out to the store or not, I went to the store. It isn’t quite the same as taking care of a child but there are some commonalities.
So when Ginny died, I could slide into all of those things I couldn’t when she was alive. I could sleep until whenever, I could (and did) wear Pajamas all day, I didn’t go to the store until it was necessary and I’ve gone days without setting food outside although I’ve tried to avoid this becoming routine, even if I didn’t go some place with someone it is still a good idea to get some air.
Being alone for a time is still my natural instinct. I turned down many invitations on my birthday, some from expected sources and some from people I didn’t expect to hear from because as John put it this morning over donuts, I needed some me time. It wasn’t a selfish act, I still say that by not exposing other people to my short-tempered, sarcastic, disinterested self, I saved them a lot of unfair grief that they would have received and all because they were trying to help. Being alone was the best thing I did for some of my friendships.
But the me time has come to an end. It came to an end awhile ago. I get up in the morning (or what for me would be the morning) because I can’t wait to her from No Passing Fancy. I want to know what she’s doing today and I want to find out what I’m going to learn about her or her country. I want to know what she’s going to show me about myself simply by getting me to talk.
I’m glad to be able to go out and do things with my two closest friends again. John asked me about if I thought I’d take a Sioux Falls trip in February since I didn’t this month. It is not likely for financial reasons but at least it sounds like a fun idea again.
I feel good because I know I did the right thing. I needed to work through the bulk of my grief without distraction. Sure, it caused me some truly horrible days for a time but short-term pain for long-term gain seems to have paid off. I shed some tears writing yesterday’s post and I know that I will have some more tough times ahead as more anniversaries pass me by. But I think the worst of my grief has passed.
This does not mean that I don’t have other things to resolve but it is a good starting spot.
You get a three-for-one today. I’m posting the song ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ even though it doesn’t really have much to do with a single person being by themselves…okay, it has nothing to do with that, lol.
The first version is from Tommy James and the Shondells
The second is the one I grew up with and that is of course Tiffany’s version:
And I really posted Tiffany’s verson so that I could also post ‘Weird Al’s Parody (told you he’d be back):