This is the first time in 2016 that I have written more than one entry per day. Even when I posted multiple entries per day last year most often they were book reviews or something that didn’t relate to my own personal life. If you didn’t read my previous entry, I invite you to check that out as well.
I’m going to recommend that you check out her blog No Passing Fancy. I love the way she writes. I told her that I had pretty much pegged her age and I was able to do that in part because of her writing. She writes as someone who has experienced a lot in life which might have made me peg her as being older than she is but there is also still a sparkle of fun and youth that rings out in a number of her posts. She has experienced some difficulties in her life that are touched on in a few posts and still presses on and her love for her two children is quite apparent.
I’m not paying her those compliments because her most recent post is about things she’d like to see in South Dakota. I’m saying them because they are my honest assessments. This helpfully brings me back to the point of my post and the theme of honesty.
I try to be as honest as I can be when I write a blog post, especially if that post is about my current struggles. I have shared concerns previously about what a future potential employer or future potential love interest might think if they googled me and found my posts from the earliest part of this year. They might decide that I’m emotionally unstable or unreliable or something along those lines. I am really neither of those things. Yes, right now I am someone who has been deeply impacted by tragety.
In the span of 3 days at the end of 2015 I lost my beloved dog died, then so did my Grandmother and then my great aunt Dorothy whom is one of the best people ever suffered her own health scare. That is on top of my dad being diagnosed with cancer twice )the second time finding out there was no cure) and also finding out that a close friend, younger than I, was diagnosed with cancer. So if it seems in my posts like things have been rough it is because things have been rough.
However, other than my dad’s original diagnosis back in February, you know what I haven’t done? I haven’t gone and gotten hammered until I forgot. You know why? Because the one time I did that, it didn’t do me any good.
Sure I have at times kept my distance from other people and that some of my posts have been pretty gloomy. However, I’m coping and I am recovering and I’ve spared a lot of people a lot of grief that they would have experienced had I treated them poorly.
The truth of the matter is this. It holds true for any future boss or girlfriend. If you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best.
I’m going to be honest and tell you all what it was like when Ginny died. It was not like losing a pet, I’ve lost pets before and that hurt but in a different way. Losing Ginny was like losing your parent, a child, a best friend and a partner in one fell swoop.
In a way I was like Ginny’s child. When we walked together her job was to keep me safe and she always did just that. The first time she kept me safe was while we were in class training together in 2002. We were at a stoplight and if you want to know how a blind person knows when to cross the street at a light, here is how. You wait for parallel traffic to accelerate. When it goes, you go. This way you always have that parallel traffic as your guard.
I did exactly that while out with Ginny in class. The guy accelerated when the light changed but instead of going straight through he turned out in front of us. Ginny, doing her job the way she was trained stopped and as a result we weren’t struck by a big ass truck. It didn’t take much convincing to trust her after that.
Ginny was like a child because I took care of her. But that’s not all. She was playful, happy and fun. Ginny loved people (my mom was her favorite person on earth even above me) and that was great. Also in class we were out on a walk one day and Ginny let out a big bark and then a second. It is incredibly rare for a guide dog to bark and in fact, I didn’t hear Ginny bark the last 5 years of her life. Her last bark in my presence was in 2010 when she saw her reflection in the stove, it was quite funny.
Anyway, what she was barking at was a homeless man. I don’t know if she was trying to be protective of me or if she was just scared of him. However, what happened next was typical Ginny. The instructor came over and told me what was going on. We walked Ginny over to the man and in three seconds they were best pals.
I fretted over my girl the last month of her life. When I went and saw Star Wars my enjoyment of the film was decreased drastically because I was so concerned over what might be happening with Ginny while I was gone. I hovered over her those last few weeks. My heart ached constantly and broke completely when she stopped eating. That’s when I knew it was over and she wouldn’t get better and that it was time to do the right thing.
She was a best friend because of all the trials and tribulations she and I went through together. She was like a partner because when I harnessed her up for a walk it is like we became one. She knew my pace and I knew hers. She knew where I was wanting to go and it sometimes took effort to convince her of otherwise. But essentially we were like one being. Call me a hopeless romantic if you wish but it is the way I imagine it feels when you’ve found your soulmate and come together as one. The way you get each other, the way you complete each other, the way you make the other one better.
I’ve barely mentioned the death of my Grandmother on this blog. Not because it wasn’t worth mentioning, she was a great lady. It is just Ginny’s death was so crushing that it really did overshadow everything else. So that’s why it seems like I’m taking the death of my dog a little harder than an average pet owner because I am, that relationship is profoundly different.
So that’s an honest assessment of things but why am I telling you this now? The theme of this post is honesty. When my new friend first comments on a new post of mine, she talks about the honesty in it. I’m glad she does because it is truthfully not in my nature to lie.
I am not incapable of lying. I know how to lie to someone. I just prefer not to lie to anyone. I prefer to tell the truth at all times, even if the truth does not make me look especially good. I can handle the truth making me look bad a lot more than I can handle being dishonest with someone and them finding out. I strive to be on the level with people at all times but this does not mean that I always succeed. Sometimes I fail, we all fail and like most everyone else, I hate it when I fail.
I’m not a wealthy person, I get by on SSI right now because I’m not working and my rent is based on income. I don’t own a lot that other people would want when I pass. I’m not married and I have no children in my life, maybe someday that will happen and maybe it won’t. I hope it does but I can’t see my own future. So if I were to die tonight, what would I leave behind? As I’ve said before I would hope that whomever came to my funeral would say that I was always honest with them and that I kept my integrity in tact. Some will rightly say that at times I could be difficult to be around because I don’t handle stress all that well and they’d be right. But even then I’d really like to believe I would have left a positive impression on them.
Being honest and saying things that other people might not want to hear does not mean that you have to be cruel. I have not always been a master of tact and if there is a flaw in my honesty approach it is that I can still be more blunt than I need to be. I try to be as nice as I can at all times. My new friend will appreciate what I’m about to say as it is echoing a statement she made in a comment on a previous post. Whenever I encounter someone in my day either online or in person I try to leave them with a positive impression of me that day or at the very least I try to make them laugh. I love making people laugh. When people tell me that I’ve made them laugh, it can cause me to blush because they have in actuality just made my day.
Being honest doesn’t mean revealing everything. All you know about my birthday is that I spent a lot of it in tears and recovering from nightmares. I didn’t share everything with you about that day and why it was difficult. That’s not being dishonest because the why was less important than the what.
When I was a freshman in college, I submitted myself voluntarily to a lie detector test. There had been an issue that came up in which I was the central figure and my taking that test would go along way towards clearing it up. So I took the test. When I was done, the test administrator told the police police officers that were with me that it was one of the most honest tests he had ever conducted. The officers being there makes it seem a lot more serious than it was let me assure you. Needless to say, after those results the issue was cleared up and all was and is well.
I don’t go around telling people that I’ve taken a lie detector test. In fact, I’m not really sure that my parents know. I knew how it was going to play out before I ever took it and since it did play out that way it wasn’t exactly something that came up in conversation. But my being so honest during that test is a point of pride.
The dirty little secret of me is that if you ask me a direct question I will give you a direct and honest answer even if I look bad. Heck if someone asked me for the full story of the lie detector test I’d give it to them though probably one on one and not in a blog post.
So here’s the deal for all of you reading this. Feel free to leave a comment on this post and ask me any question you want. If anyone actually does this I’ll make answering their questions the focus of one of my posts this weekend depending on how many things I have to answer. Ask me anything you’re curious about and would like to know.
I don’t turn down any question. I figure that if someone asks a question, they are curious about the answer and I’d rather they know the answer than wonder. Provided that it is within my power to give. If you want to ask a question but worry that it might sound silly and want to be anonymous, email it to me and I will keep your name out of it.
I try to build all of my relationships on honesty. If someone makes a tiny false statement to me and it is discovered, then I start to wonder what else they have said that isn’t true. This is a natural reaction and if I’m dishonest with someone then they start to doubt me. I’d prefer not to give a person that cause. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship and you need to be honest to build that trust. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither are relationships but they get built a lot faster on a foundation of honesty.