Before I get into the meat of today’s post, I want to remind you of what I wrote the other day. I want you to remember that post so that if tomorrow’s post has a different tone than today’s you’ll remember why.
Yesterday, I actually had a good day. I had the best day I’ve had since Ginny died late last month. I didn’t feel moody or cranky all day. I even felt sociable for most of the day. I had dinner and watched some wrestling with a friend tonight and I also started a new book that I’m enjoying so far. The only real drag about yesterday was that it was so cold. I’m posting this just after midnight and it is expected that our low temperature over night will be around -22 degrees. It was -9 degrees when I returned from dinner.
So Saturday was basically a good day and if not for the weather I’d have nothing to complain about. It started on Friday evening. There were a couple of things that happened Friday night.
The first is that I texted a friend. The one friend whom I haven’t heard from in quite some time. I wanted to make sure she was doing alright. Yes, I have a lot of issues and things I’ve got to work through right now but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring about anyone close to me.
She told me she was just being a recluse. I understood that completely, as anyone who has read this blog in 2016 can attest. I may be many things but on this issue a hipocrit is not one of them. How can I not be fine with someone else keeping their distance and keeping quiet when it has been my activity for most of 2016?
The second is that I actually started to feel bored. Most of the time I’m too busy sulking to be bored or too depressed to care. So when boredom came upon me it was sort of a sign that I was ready for things to be different.
Despite what I wrote the other day I have even taken the step of reactivating my Facebook page. I can’t say that I have any strong desire to spend any time on that particular website as of yet but it is open. If I can stay off of it even with my page being active that might be something I can work with going forward.
It seems that yesterday’s post touched a nerve with some people. That single post got me some new blog followers and some nice compliments. That actually made me feel good because I wasn’t sure how people would react to it.
I think this is my current mindset in regards to interacting with others. I think I will make myself more agreeable if people ask me to do something or go some place for lunch or something like that. I don’t think I’m to the point where I’m going to be making any plans or inviting people over or inviting them out. I won’t refuse anyone who asks if they can stop by but I’m not going to ask people out of the blue if they’d like to come over. That will change as time passes, at least I hope so because I do like to plan things and get people together but for now I’m just going to work on saying yes to others.
I also need to remember one thing that came to me while at dinner tonight. I was talking about New Year’s Eve with a friend and how I didn’t really want company. I explained that I was okay once they got there but leading up to it, I thought the whole thing would be a giant hassle and that I’d rather just be alone. I need to try and remember that in general, I’m fine while I’m doing something and it is only in advance that I hesitate.
This is not a new thing for me. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve planned to go on a road trip with friends, dreaded the thought the night before, gone and had fun anyway the next day. Sometimes I power through and sometimes I give in to my own angst. I really need to work on this but I think this attitude does explain why I think I would be fine with a spur of the moment Vegas wedding.
Alright, that will have to do for right now. I’m going to resume reading my book and be thankful that I don’t have to venture outside. If Ginny were alive I’d take her out to do her business and I would do so happily because that’s my girl.
It is funny because the biggest adjustment for me since she has passed is that now I don’t have to go outside for any reason if I don’t want to do so. I can go for days without stepping outside. I like going outside though, at least when the temperature doesn’t have a minus sign in front of it and so now to go outside requires me to plan to do so or at least think about it before I do. It isn’t built in to my day anymore is what I’m trying to say.
We’ll see if my decent mood continues or if I’m in for a rude awakening when I wake up later today. I’m hoping for a continuation but won’t be caught off guard if my emotions play tricks on me again as Sunday progresses.