I know that I am currently dealing with a lot of issues, some of which are described here. I’ve written about some, intend to write about others and am keeping some to myself. Yes, dear reader, I actually do hold some things back in these entries. I try to be as open as I can be about my current mood problems, past battles with depression, experiences as a visually impaired individual and my struggle to find love. But that doesn’t mean I share everything.
The other day, I pondered what a future employer might think of me if they were to stumble upon this blog and my entries from early 2016. However, I don’t intend to change what I write about because there is a chance that these entries might help someone. Maybe someone will read them and think that they’re not alone and decide to press on and fight their battles. That may be naive or over-inflating the impact that these things might have but it is a chance I’m willing to take.
Today, I feel like talking about consistency. In yesterday’s post, I wrote about not having any momentum that carries from day to day. There’s no consistency present in my life. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. There are periods of consistency the trouble is that they are periods of steady badness.
I started to think about this problem on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning as I was trying and failing to get any sleep. I was tired, I was in bed but I just couldn’t sleep. More worrysome is that there was a part of my brain that was actively fighting off sleep. The inability to shut my brain off led to my not being able to sleep easily in the past and as a result I took ambien for over 2 years. Well, that led to a lot of problems and was the closest I have ever come to a drug addiction.
So my mind being resistent to my attempts at falling asleep is something I will have to monitor. This was the first I’ve noticed it and perhaps it will go down as a blip in time. I can’t say there is a pattern because as I’ve said, I don’t feel any real consistency in my life at present.
My mood seems to shift by the day. My desire to talk to others can be up one day and down the next. One day I might be in the mood to laugh at The Simpsons all day and the next to just sit quietly and cry. It is my own unpredictability that gives me pause when dealing with others. As I said previously, I can’t treat people poorly if I keep them at arms length. It may be difficult for them to understand but there’s no good reason to treat someone poorly just because they made the mistake of being near me.
So what I need is a steady stream of hopefully good news, good things and good times. If I can get some positive momentum going it will be easier to pull out of my funk. I’m confident that is true, I wish I was as confident about my ability to get positive momentum going.
Here is an update on my dad. He went to the Mayo Clinic on Sunday for an early Monday appointment. If you don’t know, my dad is currently battling liver cancer and was told over the summer that there is no cure. He had chemo therapy through the summer and fall. It improved his quality of life but it did not reduce the size of the spot on his liver. He was given the choice to stop treatment, keep going with the chemo for quality of life purposes or to go to the Mayo Clinic for experimental treatment. Obviously, he elected for the latter.
Anyway, as they were examining him on Monday there were some issues. One of which was the fact that he had a build up of fluid on one of hif lungs. He also had high levels of minerals, I believe calcium in his blood. So they put him in the hospital and started to drain the fluid.
Tonight, my mom called and they were already on their way back home. They reduced the fluid on his lung but not entirely because they did not want it to collapse. They are going to try a different kind of chemo therapy on him to see if that has any impact. He can have that treatment done here. They also found out that he had a bladder infection so that will be treated as well.
So I don’t exactly know when he’ll start this new chemo but I assume it will be soon. The waiting game continues. I guess I was surprised that their stay ended up being so short but they did say to plan for 3 or 4 days and it was 3 days and 4 nights.
Alright, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way I will conclude for the day. I will say one thing that is sort of positive about my life right now. I never know what each day is going to be until it is over. I don’t know if I’m going to have a horrible day or an uneventful day when I wake up and since it is so unpredictable, I’m kind of interested to see each day play out. I don’t know if that makes sense to you but to me it is kind of profound.