In Yesterday’s Post I talked about how Ginny was the ultimate distraction and that as a result there were a lot of things that I never really processed while she was alive that are now coming back with a vengeance since she has gone.
She was the ultimate distraction because rather than think about how heart broken I was after ending the most normal relationship I had ever been in, I could just walk over and snuggle with her until the feeling passed.
It then hit me that part of my problem is not being able to determine in which order I should try and deal with these things. They all came at once and so the first logical step by my way of thinking is to sort them all out. I’m not sure I can identify everything but I figure that I can identify the biggest ones and if I can work through those anything else that might creep up will seem minor by comparison.
I’m not necessarily putting these in order but I am going to try and follow a linear timeline to a certain degree.
I walked away from college in the spring of 2004 less than 2 years after I got Ginny. I knew then and still know now why I had to do it. I was miserable in college and my grades suffered for it. Better to leave on my own then get kicked out. I had no certain direction for my life and that was making it hard to find something that interested me academically.
I think my unresolved issue with this is that I still feel like I failed. Yes, I was unhappy in school but I haven’t really been much happier since I’ve been away from school. Reason or not the truth is I feel like a quitter.
Also, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had dealt with some of the issues I identified later in my life while I was still in school. What if I had dealt better with insomnia, depression and chronic acid reflux? Would I have been able to focus any better?
Also, I’m not sure what to do about it now. I’m so disenchanted by the whole thing now that I’m not sure I could handle it even if I could afford to go back. And quite frankly I’m no more certain of what I would study now than I was back then.
So my ultimate question on this issue is how do I come to accept what happened and move on? I think this might be my ultimate question for all of these events I’m about to list but it stands out in particular on this matter.
After college I moved back home to work. I got a job a few months before moving into my apartment here in town. It was a job running some vending machines at federal fascilities here in town. It was part of a program known as the ‘Business Enterprize Program’ which you can google for yourself if you want more information.
I hated this job from the start. I never made enough money, anything I tried to make more money just went nowhere and promises that were made to me when I started weren’t kept. I found out that sales weren’t exactly my bag. I had a nine month contract and after that was up if I had any sense in my head I would have walked away but instead I agreed to stay on. This might actually be the dumbest thing I ever did in life.
Towards the end, things got difficult because there was some emotional turmoil in my personal life. It effected my work which was already flagging anyway because I did not enjoy what I was doing.
I finally resigned because I just couldn’t take it any more and when I turned over the keys to my now former boss, he hewed me out. And he had every right to do so because I handled my exit and the last few months I was there so poorly. Being yelled at didn’t bother me, I had long since stopped caring. But my boss was actually someone who I liked for years before I worked with him and that was the last time we ever spoke. If I had told him in November of 2005 when my contract was up that I didn’t want to do this anymore, we might still be friends today.
This is yet another issue of failure. This one might actually bother me more than college because I left college in part because I decided I’d rather work. I don’t like to think about this one very much because it reminds me of just how poorly I handled the situation. Again, if I had properly dealt with some of my other issues maybe this one wouldn’t have turned out so bad.
But this one haunts me a great deal. Now, whenever I think about a prospective job I immediately wonder what would happen if it turned out to be like the vending job. I wonder if I’d have the sense to quit that I didn’t possess in November 2005.
My time in college and my time working for the BEP contributed to this one. College had student loans and I lost money on the vending machines in the end. Combine that with the fact that I was irresponsible with my money at the time anyway and you come up with someone who carries a lot of debt and poor credit.
I don’t know if I will ever recover from that to be honest. Even if I spent no money on myself for anything other than basic necessities there’s just not enough for me to put a real dent into what I owe. Now, I need to make this clear. I am not blaming anyone else but myself for this aspect of my life. I put me in this mess, nobody else.
Carrying debt has made it difficult for me to do much of anything else with my life. Even if I started working a job tomorrow and used that money to do nothing but pay down debt it would take awhile and each payment would be a reminder of what got me in that mess in the first place. And yet, I can’t ignore this problem because it isn’t going away.
There were projects I took on after the Business Enterprize Program. I’m talking about my time writing about MMA and Wrestling with my friends on the original incarnation of Combat Hooligans.
Don’t get me wrong, I had fun doing those types of projects. I also met some great people: Euan, Art, Alan, Ric, Danger, Dave Wills and Karl Stern who are friends to this very day. I wouldn’t trade their friendship for anything.
Still, those projects all came to less than stellar conclusions. It was yet another thing I tried and did not succeed at. Are you sensing a pattern here? For someone who does not cope well with failure I sure have written a lot about it so far.
This is a failure to keep momentum going. I worked so hard on these projects that I wore myself out. I just could not keep my own momentum going and eventually I lost it completely. It didn’t help that I was spending a lot of money and making none.
Out of all of the things that I eventually will list, this one is the hardest to put on here. Or it is the most unique which ever you think makes more sense. I still struggle with the failure of these projects but on like others where I have nothing to show for it, at least this one has left me with some good friends.
Incidentally, it was during this time that I finally started dealing with some of the bigger issues in my life. God bless you, late 2009 and early 2010.
I think I will stop today’s post right here. Yes, I have more stuff to list and writing these out has helped me to feel a little bit better…not much but I’ll take it. I don’t know what to do about any of these beyond writing them down but maybe writing them down will help me to see the next step.
I’ll stop for today and resume this exercise in tomorrow’s post. It may go even beyond that, it feels like the likelyhood of that is strong.