I’ve heard a lot recently about how I need a distraction from all of the things I’ve been pondering as of late. I’ve had offers of movies, lunch, other activities and then there’s my usual January trip to spend time with my cousin Shiloh in Sioux Falls.
I understand the thought processes behind all of this. Take your mind off things for awhile and then maybe you’ll feel better.
There is just one problem with that and it is why I am refusing any attempts to distract me.
All of these distractions are temporary. What happens when the movie is over? What happens when we’ve finished lunch? What happens when I come back home? Well, any answer I can come up with to those questions is not a good one. The things that I have to deal with, the emotions I must process, they’re not going to go away when I’m not looking.
Yesterday, I wrote about how Ginny was my anchor. I also feel that her not being here is like poking a hole in a water pipe. Anything inside that pipe is going to rush out and go in many different directions.
Ginny was reliable. Just her being there kept me from losing my mind. I obviously didn’t fully deal with some issues because I was able to draw strength and comfort from her and because I knew I needed to do my best to make sure she was taken care of at all times. That’s gone now and so all of the stuff I never fully put to bed when she was alive has come rushing out. Allowing myself to be distracted isn’t going to fix any of that. Ignoring it, even for the time it takes to eat lunch isn’t going to change anything and in fact might make things worse.
As painful as it might be, the best thing I think I can do for myself is to not allow myself any distraction. There are some painful memories and tough emotions that I have to deal with and so I may as well just do it. If I weren’t so easily distracted in the past, this wouldn’t be a problem right now. I’ve always been all-to-willing to procrastinate and it turns out that doesn’t just involve putting off difficult or uninteresting tasks until the last minute. It also has been emotional procrastination. I’ve buried a lot of stuff over the years, mostly pain and anger and now it is coming back with a vengeance. I’ll be better off and more emotionally stable in the long run if I just face it now.
Besides if I can’t get myself up to see Star Wars with friends, there’s not another distraction out there that has any hope of working. If it won’t work anyway, why waste my time and the time of those people willing to help distract me?