Crossing My Lines

I truly am a nice person or at least that is what I try to be. One of the ways in which I try to live my life is to be kind to people. I try not to let my mood impact how I approach others. If I go out to eat, I could be having the worst day ever but I’m still going to be cheerful and polite with my waiter or waitress no matter what happens.
I want to be nice in that situation for a few reasons. The first is that they are not responsible for my bad day. They didn’t do anything to me, I just got to the restaurant, so taking it out on them is not what they deserve.
The second reason is that if I’m mean, I might be turning their good day bad or making their bad day worse. Neither of these two things is going to make me feel one bit better about myself.
However, if I am nice to them maybe that will improve their mood or their day. If that happens and they thank me, then there’s a chance I will also feel better.

When it comes to dealing with friends and family, it is a little harder. It is easier to let my anger or displeasure slip out. The reason for this is obvious. I have much more exposure time to friends and family than I do with someone taking my order and bringing me food at a restaurant. Even so, I do my best to try and be nice to friends and family regardless of mood.

Wednesday night, I failed in this endeavor. I had just written what would be yesterday’s post. I try to write these in advance if I can so that I don’t feel in a rush to get something posted. This one is being written at about 12:00 PM on Thursday January 7 for posting on January 8.
Anyway, a friend was on Skype and teasing me about this post. I was having none of it. It was not her fault I was already cranky but I let my current condition impact my interaction with her. After bullying her to the point that she decided to walk away, I apologized for my behavior because I obviously saw what I had done.
This interaction bothered me. Aside from crossing that line and treating her poorly when she didn’t deserve it, the fact is that doing so came quite naturally to me. I was aware of what I was doing before I decided to apologize but did not apologize right away. It was very easy for me to be a jerk and I don’t like that.
This makes me think that my instinct to cut down on my interactions with people until I feel better might be the right one. I don’t want to treat people poorly it is just not who I am. Yet right now, I don’t think I can help it since my outlook is so poor.

Last Thursday was New Year’s Eve. I had a couple of friends over. The truth is that by the time they arrived I wanted no company at all. I went through with it because I had promised one of them a Christmas dinner since he has no family. I promised the other a night of Space Ghost Coast to Coast viewing. I had made those two promises and was going to keep them even though I truly did not want to do so.
I don’t make promises to other people very often. When I do make a promise I do my best to ensure that it is kept. A couple of my previous romantic relationships reenforced my belief in sticking to my word at all costs.
In my first serious romantic relationship and my most recent one the same problem occurred. Plans would be made and then they would be broken often without me being informed that any change was being made at all. So as a result, I would always end up disappointed and mad at both plans not coming to pass and at not being informed. I always took this as a form of rejection.
So that is a large reason for why I did New Year’s Eve last week even though I really did not want to do so. Did I have fun? Well, if I may be honest, not as much as you might think. Usually, the way this story works is that the person says something like: “but I’m glad I did it because I ended up having a lot of fun.” That’s not how it worked out for me. I barely made it to midnight and as soon as they left I went straight to bed.

I’m sharing that story with you because that was another line I refused to cross. I would have rather had no fun than let those guys down. I’m not sure I will be making anyone any promises any time soon. I would probably find it all too easy to break them and if I do that then my word starts to be no good. If people don’t think they can trust me to do what I say I am going to do then they have lost the biggest reason to be my friend at all. I don’t offer much to a friendship but I do offer honesty and integrity above anything else. At least that is what I’d like to think people will say about me after I die. I do hope honesty and integrity come up a lot when people think about me.

I will try to treat people the way they deserve to be treated or better and not the way my current mood says I should treat them. However, in order to do this effectively for the time being, I may have to reduce the amount of time I spend interacting with people. It might be tough in the short-term but our relationships might be better off for it down the road.

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