My birthday is on Friday, not that I really care all that much. I don’t have any plans and anything that I might do for my birthday won’t be special since it won’t really be any different than anything else I would do in the run of my normal routine.
I am largely indifferent to the whole thing. Not just my birthday but to life in general right now. No, I am not suicidal for those of you who read this and tend to worry too much about what you see. I will say that again. I have no thoughts or intentions of ending my own life. I would put it in bold but I just don’t feel like it.
I don’t really feel anything at the moment. There’s no news I am going to get that will make me go over the moon with happiness and not really any news that is going to make me feel worse. I’m just num to all of it.
I realized on Wednesday that I have no obligations to anyone these days. So when I wake up in the morning, I don’t have to turn my phone on. I don’t have to read Facebook or Twitter. Does this mean that I won’t turn on my phone or read social media? Not necessarily but it does mean that I should not feel compelled to do so just because, if I don’t feel like doing it then I won’t do it.
I don’t have to read if I don’t feel like it nor do I have to blog. Sure, my goal is an entry every day and I would like to keep that up. But honestly, if I don’t write anything tomorrow, the world will just keep marching on. Hell, I can leave the computer off all day if I want, same with the iPad or television. I can do whatever I want and if that means I want to do nothing at all, I can do nothing at all.
This is a little strange because that wasn’t true when Ginny was alive. When Ginny was alive I had to make sure she was fed and had water and had chances to go outside and felt sufficiently loved and paid attention to but she’s not here to depend on me.
I bring this up because there’s a chance I might just turn my phone and other electronics off for awhile. I might not be on Facebook and Twitter. I might not read, watch TV or surf The Internet. I might just sit quitely and brude until I have gotten as much of it out of my system as I can.
All I really need to do these days is to keep myself fed, clothed and sheltered. Beyond that I don’t have to host any gatherings if I don’t feel like it nor do I have to attend any. I don’t have to stay in Huron, I don’t have to leave Huron.
At some point that will stop being the case, decisions wil need to be made and I will have to try and move on with my life.
I just need to figure out how to take care of myself and do that. If that means other people become less of a priority in the short term then that will just have to be how it has to be. I’m not so sure that other people really want to be around me right now anyway or even if they do want to be around me if them being around me would be good for them. Just because they want to be around me doesn’t mean that it is a good idea for them to be around me.
Maybe I’ll write on Friday, maybe I won’t. I guess you’ll have to read to find out. Or just keep enjoying your own lives as I mope around quietly by myself, either of those is fine by me. Just because I’m not in high spirits does not mean I expect everyone else to share in my unhappiness. In fact, if things are going particularly well for you, I wouldn’t mind hearing about it. Hearing good news from other people never hurts.