I have been feeling slightly off the past couple of days. Really, this year has not gotten off to a great start. Nothing particularly bad has happened or anything, I just don’t feel right.
I attribute part of that to the fact that I seem to have caught a cold. I don’t think it is a very serious cold but it is a cold and it is slowing me down.
Obviously a large part of what is effecting me is the absense of Ginny. Taking care of Ginny the last month or so of her life was quite an ordeal. It often involved going outside every couple of hours so she could go to the bathroom…and even then sometimes it wasn’t enough. That dog did a number on my carpet towards the end of her life, let me tell you.
From the time I got home on Wednesday from Mitchell with some friends until I went to McDonalds on Saturday night to grab something to eat I had not so much as stepped outside for even a minute. I can’t recall the last time I went a day, let alone nearly three without going outside. It legitimately may have never happened before in my life.
That’s something I was a fraid would happen once Ginny was gone. I plan to make an effort to go outside, even if I don’t have to just so I’m not stuck inside all of the time. Still, thanks to not really feeling great physically the past few days that plan has fallen by the wayside at least temporarily.
Even though I want to go out and be out as much as I can, the fact I’ve not lived up to that yet doesn’t exactly make me feel bad. Right now I’m just tired and still emotionally warn out. There’s still a lot that I have not processed and things that I’m finding difficult to adjust to in my life. It annoys me that this has happened but it is not yet a big concern.
What is a big concern right now is that I’m not really finding much enjoyment in things that I usually enjoy. I like to listen to podcasts and have listened to a few over the past couple of days but more out of habit than enjoyment. The same with reading. I’m reading books at a good pace but it sure doesn’t feel like that much fun.
My birthday is Friday. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do to try and make the day special for myself but I am faced with a piece of reality that bothers me a little bit. Whatever I do on my birthday will be something that I could just as easily do any other day of the year. If I decide to go out to eat I’ll go to a restaurant I go to all of the time. It won’t be new and I think what I want most of all right now is something new.
That may seem like a bit of a contradiction. On one hand, it is new for me not to have Ginny and I don’t like that. On the other hand, I want something different to happen. The only way I can explain it is not having Ginny is a bad kind of new and I’m looking for something in the good kind of new category.
I hate that my entries of late seem to be real bummers. I want to right something that is more upbeat, something positive, something fun. I’m just not in the mood yet. Writing helps me to exercise some of my feelings. If writing about how down I am helps me to process all of that and come to a better place then it will be worthwhile. You’ll just have to bare with me as I work through it all. Brighter times are ahead I know that but I will need to walk through some more darkness before I get there. At least I am four days in to 2016 and I haven’t missed a day of posting yet. That’s something even if I can honestly say I didn’t feel like writing at all, I knew doing so would do me some good and that’s why I did it. It is also why I will probably venture out soon eeven though I still have a cold.