Today, I am sad. I have no particular reason to be sad today but that doesn’t really matter very much.
I don’t know if I’ve written this out on this particular website but there is one thing that I have come to believe about depression.
A lot of people don’t understand depression and I think I know why. Depression is not a logical disease.
Logically, I have no reason to be sad right now. Logically, I know I have many reasons to be happy. However, even knowing that both of those things are true it makes absolutely no difference. Yes, I am aware that there is a difference between sadness and depression. I chose to use sadness as a substitute mainly so I wouldn’t have to type depression so many times.
One of the side effects for me when I am depressed is that I start to long for companionship. That’s kind of a weird thing for a depressed person to say because more often than not a depressed person shuts themselves away from contact. Yet, once again, here we sit. Well, I’m sitting anyway, I have no idea what you’re doing right now as you read this. And in the case of Mark Danger, I don’t particularly want to know.
Anyway, I’ve actually been thinking about romantic relationships again lately. I’ve sort of kept myself off that train of thought for the majority of this year. But the urge has hit me lately and I’m finding it hard to ignore.
So what should I do about it? I’ve pretty much given up on the idea that my Miss Right lives in Huron. This leaves me with a couple of options. The first is to move but that’s not likely in the near future and probably not in the foreseeable future either.
The second is to attempt online dating again. I’ve never really had good luck with that in the past and I don’t have much confidence that would change now. Women tend to want guys with jobs and money. I have neither. Note that I don’t really blame women for wanting guys with jobs and money.
One of these days I am going to write an entry about what I’m looking for in a women. I may have done that already but I don’t feel like I have or I feel I have more to say on the subject. Then you can see if I have impossibly high or very low standards.
I’ve asked my friend to connect me with a blind singles group on Facebook. I will join but I don’t know how serious my efforts will be. There are other reasons I am not sure about relationships right now and unfortunately, I don’t feel like delving into them at this time. It is a question of feelings.
Still, I’ll join the group and see what comes of it. It will at least be interesting to see the distribution of men and women.
Getting back to moving for a second. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t just go for it. Would it really be so bad if I just up and left without much of a plan? Aside from the fact it is not in my nature to be impulsive would an impulsive move really be any worse than my current state of mind? I mean other people have tried things like that and if it fails it fails and they do something else. I have a fear of failure and that is why I’ve never taken a risk that big. But could I do it? I don’t know but I find myself thinking that I should try.
I mean why not just up and move to somewhere like California and figure the rest out later? That would be an incredibly bold move for me and I think if I did it everyone I know would be shocked. However, the people that really care for me would still love me even if it didn’t work out.
Anyway, that’s all I have for now. Basically, I am only mildly interested in relationships right now because I look at this entry and see my feelings kind of all over the place. It would be nice if I could get everything in check and know definitely what direction I want to take in life. However, if I’m being honest and I always try and be honest when I write, I’ve never really had a solid idea of what direction I’ve wanted to take my life. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and some people would say that’s a big problem since I’m pretty close, at 34, to middle age.
Maybe I need a life coach. But I value control too much to turn it over to someone else. Especially since I’m very hard on mistakes. So someone making mistakes for me would become a problem right away.
Alright, well, if this entry has in any way made me sound like a teenage girl I do apologize. I’m off to do something, probably sleep, because being depressed actually takes a lot out of a person.