I had trouble falling asleep last night. The fact I had trouble falling asleep is starting to become a trend once more. When I actually get to sleep, I sleep well and for long enough that when I wake up I am well rested. The trouble is I don’t usually fall asleep for two or three hours after I make an attempt to do so.
The bigger issue is that I feel the tide in my life starting to shift again. The small pockets of optimism I was starting to feel are being overwhelmed by strong explosions of pessimism.
I suspected that this might happen given that I always experience shifts in my mood at the end of summer.
I’m fighting really hard to not fall into that trap. If you read this post from the other day, then you know that things are not going well on that front. Even my September 2015 Positivity List is underwhelming thus far. Trip to The State Fair not withstanding. I created the positivity list in order to help combat some of these feelings but so far it is having the reverse effect.
One of the bigger signs of trouble right now is how I am spending money. I’ve tried to be a more disciplined spender over the past couple of years but that has sort of slipped away this month. I’m buying things I don’t really need and not being as careful about finding things at the right price. I’m buying stuff that I want whether it is something I can actually use or not. This is one of my worse habits when I am depressed. I go shopping to try and make myself feel better but as you all probably know, that never works. Things don’t make me feel better, they are at best a temporary solution and when that wears off I’m even more depressed because I am also broke.
I am giving it my best to not just curl up in a ball and wait hoping that this all goes away. I am trying to not let the more stressful things happening around me weigh me down too much. Unfortunately, just the act of doing this takes so much out of me that I lose as much ground as I gain. I still feel it is worth fighting if only because as suddenly as things seem to have shifted in one direction, they can shift back.
Things aren’t as bad as they were earlier this summer. I am not quite as down in the dumps as I was in the earliest part of July. I think writing on this website has helped in that respect. If I write down how I am feeling then it allows me to get a better handle on things. All I can do is just keep trying to feel better, keep trying to look on the bright side and keep trying to be positive. But it is hard because there’s just so many things for me to have to worry about.