Throughout the coarse of my life, there have been very few instances where I actively wished that I was not visually impaired. I know that I miss out on a lot of things because I’m visually Impaired but it almost never gets to the point where I wish it wasn’t so.
While I do miss out on a lot of things, the truth is that I have experienced a lot in my life and a lot of that I would not have experienced if I were a sighted individual.
Besides, I was born visually impaired, have been so for the whole of my life and even with medical advancements it is most likely that I will die visually impaired. So if I haven’t been able to change it up to now and if it isn’t going to change in the future, what good is complaining about it going to do me?
However, after saying all of that, today is one of those days where I do kind of wish that I wasn’t visually impaired.
It started when a friend of mine told me that he had gone down to Sioux Falls today. I’ve been wanting to take a road trip there for a few months now and haven’t been able to go. One of my friends is physically capable of driving us there but the thought of driving in Sioux Falls practically gives him a panic attack. As I’ve discussed elsewhere I don’t have a lot of local friends so it is hard for me to find someone who can drive me. So today, I wish I could drive.
Mostly the reason I wish I weren’t visually impaired is because I want to drive. Aside from wanting to be able to jump in a car and drive to Sioux Falls whenever I have the time and money, I just want to be able to drive. I want to be able to just drive around town with no particular place to go. I want to drive around and listen to the kind of music at I feel like listening to and not be a passenger listening to whatever music my friend Scott is playing. Not that he plays bad music but still I want to set my own agenda.
Tonight, I was incredibly lonely, bored and yes, even horny. I don’t care if someone reads this and is bothered by the fact that I mentioned that last one because:
THIS IS MY BLOG, I PAY FOR IT AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT AND I DON’T NEED ANYONE’S APPROVAL.
I wish I could have just hopped in my car, gone for a cruise and maybe ended up at a bar for a drink. Sure, if I had told my friend this he probably would have done it but the idea is that I desired to go out on my own. Later at night in this small town public transportation ranges from non-existent to incredibly limited which is why I didn’t simply call a cab or the bus or something. It is more a matter of limited options than it is a matter of being dependent on other people for a good time. Truthfully, in most cases I would prefer to be in the company of friends but there are times when I wish I could just go out by myself and handle everything my way.
The fact that I made several attempts tonight at conversation and had no luck with most of them just made my urge to go out that much stronger. I feel like even if I went out people would be afraid to approach me because of the way that I look. Most people just aren’t that comfortable around people who are blind and visually impaired because they can’t understand that they can treat me the same as everyone else. Do you have any idea how many people think I’ll be offended if they use words like: look, saw, watched and so on? That’s ridiculous but it does happen.
I realize it doesn’t really make sense that I was lonely tonight but would have liked to go out by myself. It isn’t so much that I desired the company of friends as it was that I desired to be out in public and just kind of hanging out.
There are things that most people take for granted on a daily basis that I would love to be able to do just once. Yeah, maybe eventually a driverless car will be something that I own and will even the playing field quite a bit. However, I’ve written before about why I do not believe that will ever really be practical for me and even if I’m wrong about that, that doesn’t exactly help me here in September of 2015.
I’m not asking to be pittied. I’m sure that tomorrow while I’m watching (yes, I said watching) hours upon hours of college football I won’t even think about my inability to just pick up and go somewhere without some serious advanced planning. But now you know under what conditions I do find myself wishing that I were sighted.
I ended up ordering pizza and watching ‘The Big Bang Theory’ on blu-ray. This wasn’t plan B, at best it was maybe plan F or G as I could think of many things that I would have preferred to do tonight. Even the pizza isn’t something I’m glad I did as I shouldn’t really have spent what money I do have on that especially since I’m trying to diet. However, when I’m depressed even temporarily I do things like that and besides I hadn’t used my cheat day for the week yet. I’m still not thrilled it came to that but that’s my own doing. Now I guess I’ll go to bed, there’s really no good reason for me not to do so despite the fact I’m not at all sleepy.