Welcome to week #2 of my WCW Monday Nitrocaps. Last week, Nitro debuted and I started High School. Both of these events resulted in a column that was over 3,000 words long. Can I shorten things up this week? We’ll hop on over to the WWE Network to find out.
Hosts are: Eric Bischoff, Bobby Heenan and Man Mountain SucksAtThisJob
You know what wrestling needs now more than ever? It needs more guys who are named “Man Mountain” something. The last “Man Mountain” we had was Man Mountain Rock in the WWF around 1995 and I’ll grant you it didn’t go over well. But it has been twenty years, it is time for them to come back. You can’t tell me that John Cena wouldn’t be the biggest babyface in the history of the multiverses if his name were Man Mountain Respect. Forget turning John Cena heel just make him Man Mountain something and Vince McMahon will have enough money to buy Stephanie a more pleasant sounding voice.
If you need a refresher on all of the “Man Mountain” men in wrestling, I’m sure my man Karl Stern would be happy to help you out. He’ll also sell you a Super Stern Stick for $20 and when you get it you’ll think that poor man did not charge you enough.
One last side note. One of my favorite mispronunciations in the Dusty Rhodes audiobook (Review here) is when the narrator refers to Eric as “Eric Bitch-cough”. I laugh every single time and not just because I own a shirt that says “phu-cough!!”.
The opening rundown of the show starts and Mongo calls Nitro the biggest thing to hit TV since the old lady asks “where’s the beef?” Eric calls Luger Vs. Hogan the match of the century. What a horrid century that was.
They show last night’s closing promo again. How did I not notice Hogan telling Luger that he didn’t have to wait until next week before he told Luger he’d give him a title shot next week?
Vader is announced as AWOL and out of Fall Brawl. I wish Vader had never gone to the WWF.
They acknowledge that Sabu is the nephew of the original Sheik. Meaning that if he came along today, the WWE would make no note of his past and call him Stu Longfield or something less appropriate.
I can neither confirm or deny the rumor that Alex Wright was the reason that I took four years of German in high school.
Sabu in 1995 was truly something to behold. Eric acknowledges the career of Alex Wright’s father. Vince McMahon was obviously not in his headset this particular evening.
Mongo refers to Alex Wright as “the other guy”. Mongo suggests that “the other guy” should resort to the same tactics as Sabu. Eric counters with the idea of sticking to your gameplan and Mongo answers by pointing out that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Does that mean Alex Wright’s gameplan for this match was to forget the past? Because if so, that’s an atrocious strategy to use if you’re trying to win a match.
Bobby asks how many weeks Mongo will be with them. Eric: “he’s going to be with us a long, long time”. Me: “groan”.
Sabu hits an Arabian moonsault, or Arabian Facebuster for the win. Hey, that’s what Eric said, take it up with him.
After the match, Sabu finds himself a table and it is a bad time to be Mr. Wright. This was obviously not the first time someone went through a table but I’m pretty sure it is the first time I saw it happen. After that, Nick Patrick disqualifies Sabu.
Winner: Alex Wright
Heenan protests the DQ because according to him Sabu beat the man clean in the middle. That’s why he’s the brain, pointing out the logic flaws and such.
Back from the commercial break and Mean Gene is out to interview Ric Flair, who is a mere 11 time champion at this point…slacker.
Flair says that last night at south beach, the only thing missing was his best friend Arn Anderson at his side. But while Flair was out stylin’ and profilin’ AA was in his hotel room calling his wife and little boy. Number of divorces for Arn Anderson < the number of divorces of Ric Flair.
Flair then says that he was Joe Montana the pretty boy and Arn was Lawrence Taylor the killer. I thought that was OJ Simpson. The only problem with that analogy aside from the fact that Lawrence Taylor never killed anyone is that Montana and Taylor weren't on the same team and always competed against each other. Guess apt analogy class was one place Ric Flair did not visit on his south beach adventure.
Lex Luger comes out and Ric Flair starts spouting out Lex's measurements like some sort of uncomfortable water fountain. All Luger says is that Flair is too much. Glad he was here for that.
Last week, he was Michael and now he is VK. Well, alright then. Also, he’s billed as from being from Wallstreet, New York. How convenient for him that his last name matches his place of residence. He must never have gotten lost as a child.
Also, the best hometown ever is when Sid Vicious was billed as hailing from “anywhere he darn well pleases”.
During this match, Eric Bischoff gave away Raw spoilers for the first time. I watched this live but somehow that escaped my notice because I sure didn’t react that week the way I would in the future.
Eric and Mongo slam the WWF a few times while Bobby says nothing. One of those guys was smart.
They plug Fall Brawl on Pay-Per-View this Sunday. I still don’t know if I should recap that show or not, the Wargames match absolutely sucks.
Sting just hit the Stinger splash and let out the distinctive yell as he did it.
Hey, Sting won a match with something other than his finishing hold. Don’t tell WWE or they’ll think he can’t work.
Back from the break and they plug an episode of WCW Saturday Night that featured the debut of Disco Inferno. Also, a match between Renegade and Max Muscle. Sounds like fun but back then wrestling wasn’t on 64 hours a day so we took what we got.
I loved Savage as a kid, who could hate that voice of his? Even so I love him even more with the benefit of hinesight. Norton challenges McMichael and thank God, Jesus and Mr. McMahon that we never got that one.
Norton slaps on a bearhug as the crowd goes nuts for Macho. Mongo just accused Heenan of farting because he thought he heard something pop. Still waiting for an @dumbMongoQuotes twitter account.
I noticed it more in the early nWo days but nobody took a beating quite like Randy Savage.
Norton goes up top because how else is Savage going to get a reversal?
So the Dungeon of Doom comes out and somehow or another Shark ends up getting knocked out and falling across the legs of Scott Norton and that allows Savage to get the pin.
Winner: Randy Savage
So Norton, Wallstreet and Sabu all debut on this show and they all lose, two of them by pinfall.
Back from commercial break and we get Lex Luger’s entrance. Then we go to another commercial and when we come back it is Hulk Hogan’s turn.
The crowd is going mild for Hogan at this point. He’s being cheered but it’s like Hogan’s here, yay.
Out of all the Hogan vs. Luger matches to take place, this is the first. Thanks, I am also glad I could be here to point out the obvious.
Eric points out that Luger played for Green Bay in 82-83. Heenan rightly points out that anyone can play for Green Bay. That’s why he’s the brain.
Luger lets out the scream of doom. Seriously, Luger and Kevin Nash was a contest to see who could make the most noise while doing the least amount of physical activity.
Speaking of Nash, Bischoff points out that the WWF world champion barely made it passed mid-level status in WCW. Oh how different things would be in just 9 months.
Luger puts Hogan in the rack but Hogan doesn’t give up. Lex goes for a cover and that signals it is time for the Hulk-up. Punches, big boot and legdrop but before the pin the Dungeon of Dumb comes out and the match is thrown out.
Savage and Sting come out to make the save. The Dungeon never touched Luger as was pointed out by Eric.
Winner: Hulk Hogan via disqualification
The bad night for debuts just keeps on rolling.
Back from commercial and it is Hogan’s time to say the loud funny words. He wants to know why the Dungeon didn’t attack Luger. Macho wonders the same thing. Sting suggests that Luger takes Vader’s place. Macho would rather go 3 on 4. Against the Dungeon of Doom he could go 1 on 4.
Sting votes yes for Luger to be on the team. Savage votes no and it up to Hogan to decide. Hogan asks Luger to be their partner but Luger agrees if he gets a title shot in return. This promo was so disjointed.
The thing is that as it turns out later, Macho Man was right to be paranoid about Lex Luger and Jimmy Hart. No wonder he was paranoid all the time, everytime he was he was proven right.
Eric plugs the card for next week and we’re out of here. I’ll go check the word count to see if it was less than last week’s book. Until next week!